I feel like it's been a long time since I dropped a verse. Haha, i aint talking about rap(actually, that too, I haven't written a song in a long long time). I've been marketing myself in Shanghai for the past year, and forgot what it's like to just keep it real and let all the true feelings out. I guess "guarded" is the best word for it, i use to just type away but after moving to SH and having my career be an entertainer, I kind of had to cut back on some stuff, I'm still as edgy as ever, but certain things i tend to stay from b/c i know it's bad for business. I aint dumb enough to fall into those traps. So yeah, "guarded" due to concerns to my image. Not that I give a damn, but i have no choice but to acknowledge that. It's been a while since I've felt like a real artist. "600" was about 5 months ago and now I feel like I wanna go back at it again. Get back to the drawing board and let's do something real. I feel like a sellout a little bit right now b/c i feel like I know what people want to see and i try to stay away from certain things in what I write now so that I can reach a greater audience. I've been trained like that by industry people and in a way it kills me. But also I'm no longer doing the "student film" thing or "short film" thing where I just make movies for fun, that's been a while. I feel like I kinda wanna get back to those roots. B/c in a way, along the way I forgot what motivated me to go out to China and get through hellish conditions and come back still breathing. I've been kinda bored at home and just studying, I need to get out and get some fresh air. I wanan get back into the swing of things. and get back to writing some real stuff that made me who i am. But i guess the doubts of myself and also letting what the industry wants affect my work has definitely created a void of emptiness where use to lie passion. I'm glad I've got this time to think about things and just kind of look from afar and see what I've done and what I plan to do. My sail's on the right track, but I think I need a breather to find out if this is still the route I wanna take. And if I do take it, know the consequences that might come, success or failure. I always thought I was meant for somethign great, I think we all think we are(until we wake up one day 30 years old still working a job and go into midlife crisis, and eventually accept reality and what life has given us and enjoy it), but i don't think i can fall for anything less than that in this lifetime. So yeah, I guess i'm a little passionless for the first time. Burnt out, maybe. But i know I got a lotta fuel left. I guess this break is good for me. To truly think about it, b/c now I know what it's all about. The next step is up to me. I kind of know what my decision will be, but I want to take my time with it before I go forward and look at life a little slower. Like slowing down a bit and just listen to hear what life's gotta say to me. I think in next few months I'll be getting work i've done from the past and I'm excited to watch them(2 films). I looked at my acting while I was at UCSD today and i realized that I was a pretty bad actor. I think as actors, most people suck at it(the ones that study it included), I kind of watched myself and was like"damn, u suck". It's funny b/c maybe I got high standards or people are just nice, but i remember a lot of them being shown in UCSD film classes and people always saying that my acting was great. And even some film teachers said I was good. *shruG* they prolli know actors live offa their egos, so they lent me a hand. It's too hard to judge if u suck or not at something when u got a lotta passion and put so much time into it. But I guess for acting, only when u experience can u learn to become better at it. Now I see roles that are meant for me and what's not, whereas before I'd take on anything b/c I thought I could do it, and I could, at least better than most, and that's why I got a lot of those roles or what not. I thought it was b/c I was good, now I just think it's b/c there weren't better people out there for the option, hahaha. Dissing yourself is ok. I'm trying to put together a reel and I don't think I can use a lot of the stuff from before and I won't. I will only use quality stuff. According to the filmmakers of my next few films coming out(post-UCSD), they say my performances were great, and again, I'd have to be the judge when I watch it. I think I got a better sense of what's good and bad from watching hundreds of movies in Shanghai and also from just feeling things. I don't think I use to try to feel as much and just was more technical, but in SH, when u go thru a lotta shit and life experiences, sometimes u just let go and say "f it". I've learned to deal w/that and all that technical shit just doesn't work when it's camera b/c movie is about who you are, and if ur one empty trashy mofo, then the director better be damn good and not give u too much dialogue, hahaha. So yeah, i'm heading down South soon next few weeks (after the 8th) and Imma get to talk to some old buddies and just hangout and have a grand time. and do some soul searching and story sharing time. I think as we get older, we stop having those conversations we use to, like "man, I dont even know what I wanna do", i think as people geto lder, we get insecure about our lives even more and don't want to show it since people tend to compare shit like salary and career choices. I know in conversations it's always like"yeah, that mofo is now a VP somewhere" or "that guy's a bum now not doing jack". As we get older, we label our own kind on career choices and money, and now I see why grownups are dicks. We become materialized and i'm a part of it too. I talk plenty smack like"damn, that's what that fool's doing nowadayS? what happened?" adulthood sucks. and me being in the middle still trying to be an artist and maintain my childhood qualities and balancing that w/corrupt business mambo jambo(see I'm not trying to cuss haha), it's hard man. That's why most people sell out and now I can see why having been through it. I miss that naivete when everyone think they are f-ing super man and can fly, that was the bomb feeling, and i'm sure we all miss that knowing that will never happen. and that we are all just judged in society by our job title and where we live and how much we make. That's adulthood, i aint bashing on it for kicks, I see how it changes people and I just feel bad like"before u reach adulthood, brainwash kids into believing they can do everything" then when they reach adulthood, let them find out what a bit** it is to be out here all alone. Having a stable job u like is one thing, but i know A LOTTA mofos who are like "what the f- am I doing man?" and that's been like a theme everywhere I go(SH, here, everywhere), that's like teh theme of our generation. it's crazy man... we are taught to do what we love to do, but then we are restricted b/c we don't know what it is that we wanna do. B/c maybe what we wanna do don't exist and so we gotta settle for less. So it sux for suckas that don't wanna settle for less b/c that's just bad luck for u, and so peepz try to avoid the adulthood, get an MBA, more schooling, etc... It's rough out there, and yeah i should make a movie about this, but garden state came out a few years ago, LOL suckaz! hahaha anyhow, i'm tired now. I got a new phone, it's cool, can record video ;) and yeah, i'll be the first to admit I still don't know what I wanna do, even though in my mind it's clear what I wanan do, if ya'll can dig that. I struggle w/my identity everyday, b/c in my business, there aint no stability, and that's why most cats don't last. But i gotta stay strong to the struggle, b/c that's all life is, it's a beautiful struggle and i'm a sucka for life, so peace out.